Life has a remarkable way of presenting unexpected turns, and for me, a recent journey into understanding my own mind has been one of the most significant. I’ve embarked on the path to an ADHD diagnosis, a revelation that has profoundly reshaped my perspective since the arrival of our son, Ellis. In what feels like the blink of an eye, I now have a vibrant two-year-old, a bundle of boundless energy and infectious joy. Yet, this new chapter brought with it a cascade of challenges, as the creative coping mechanisms I once relied upon – like burning the midnight oil to finalize blog posts and videos, or adjusting my sleep schedule to accommodate erratic patterns – simply stopped working. The delicate balance I had maintained for years began to crumble under the relentless demands of parenthood.
For an extended period, I possessed an uncanny ability to power through short-term hurdles. I considered myself an expert at internal motivation, often telling myself, “By this time tomorrow, ‘XYZ’ will be complete, so you just need to endure this temporary surge of effort.” Remarkably, this strategy proved effective nearly 99% of the time. It was this sheer willpower that allowed me to juggle a full-time job, academic studies, and the burgeoning demands of a side business, all simultaneously. This tenacity also propelled my DIY experiments, even when tight deadlines from sponsors loomed large – deadlines, ironically, were a powerful motivator for me. My methods might have appeared chaotic to an outsider, perhaps even far from earning the neat seal of approval from a KonMari enthusiast, but beneath the surface, a complex, if seemingly haphazard, system kept everything meticulously together.
Then, a pivotal shift occurred: I became a mother. To merely state “I had a kid” would be an oversimplification of a deeply transformative period. My pregnancy was fraught with difficulties, unfolding amidst the global pandemic, culminating in Ellis’s premature arrival six weeks early. From that moment, things began to unravel in ways I was utterly unprepared for, and from which I struggled to recover. Our family endured multiple surgeries, frequent illnesses, and a constant barrage of general life adjustments. Suddenly, my days were no longer my own; I was inextricably tied to a schedule dictated by another tiny human. This new reality demanded — and continues to demand — an immense amount of on-the-fly adjustment, a flexibility that profoundly disrupted my sleep, my work, and even my basic human functioning. I found myself still immersed in creative projects, but the energy to share them, to connect with my audience, had vanished. Instead, I turned inward, completing tasks but keeping them to myself, a stark contrast to my previous, more public creative life.
Was it Burnout? Exhaustion? Or Something More? Exploring the Roots of My Struggles
In the midst of this overwhelming shift, I began to introspect, delving into the ‘why’ behind my struggles. Was I experiencing the dreaded ‘burnout’ that so many people discuss these days? It wasn’t an exact fit. My passion for DIY projects, my love for writing about them, and my enjoyment in sharing the amusing realities they brought into my life remained undiminished. I wasn’t tired of these creative pursuits. Furthermore, I absolutely adored being Ellis’s mom – though I consciously choose not to share much of his life online, a decision made to preserve his privacy and allow him to navigate his own relationship with the digital world as he grows older.
However, despite my enduring passions, I felt utterly depleted. Parenthood, with its relentless demands, impacted me in a way that countless warnings couldn’t prepare me for, and yet, no readily available explanation seemed to truly capture the essence of my problem. It wasn’t merely a matter of being ‘tired’ or ‘exhausted.’ My OB-GYN explored various postpartum treatments, but surprisingly, antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications yielded zero discernible change. This was incredibly perplexing; I had never before encountered a medication that had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever, not even the subtle impact of everyday pain relievers like Tylenol or ibuprofen. My brain simply refused to settle down, to rest, to allow me to sleep, or to focus on tasks. Seeking further help, I consulted a therapist, who quickly attributed my difficulties to the normal adjustments of new parenthood. This perspective, however, felt unsettling to me. It overlooked the crucial fact that these very challenges had always been present in my life, problems I had skillfully navigated and worked around before the arrival of a baby. Now, with a new being in my life – one with his own urgent needs, constant demands, and a distinct sleep schedule – my old coping strategies had become entirely obsolete. The intricate system I had built to manage my unique internal world had finally collapsed under the weight of external responsibilities.
Unraveling the Mystery: What Wasn’t Working in My Life
The persistent question echoing in my mind was, “Where had the ‘real me’ gone?” I felt as if my brain had been unceremoniously dropped into a neglected corner, left to gather cobwebs and toddler crumbs – though, thankfully, our dog Stella was always enthusiastic about cleaning up the latter! I felt pale, zombified, a mere collection of disconnected parts rather than a whole, functioning individual. While some, including at least one medical professional, might casually dismiss these feelings as “mom brain,” I knew it was more profound. The days of my legendary multitasking superpower and my almost magical ability to churn out 2,000 words at 2 AM were a distant memory. My work still progressed, but it was invariably left in the same state of incompleteness I was accustomed to, yet now I couldn’t weave it seamlessly into the fabric of everyday life as I once could. The profound satisfaction that once accompanied my creative endeavors had evaporated, leaving behind a hollow feeling, as if there was nothing left within me to pour onto the page or platform. I desperately craved and needed a fundamental change in my life.
In many respects, 2022 indeed delivered plenty of change. Our family embarked on a much-needed vacation, only to return home to the momentous task of selling our beloved first house. This was followed by intricate plans to relocate across multiple states, leading us to temporarily move in with family while we diligently searched for our next perfect home. These external shifts, while significant, only underscored the deeper, internal need for resolution.
My Lightbulb Moment: Recognizing ADHD in Myself
Seeking understanding, I began discussing my internal turmoil with a few trusted friends. It was during one such conversation that a particular friend ignited the spark that ultimately led me to where I am today. She and her boyfriend had been navigating frequent disagreements over numerous minor issues, many of which resonated deeply with my own experiences. As we talked, we began to exchange these shared struggles, one after another. It was one of those rare conversations where you fluidly jump between three entirely different subjects without missing a beat or becoming confused – a testament to a certain cognitive style. Crucially, in her case, parenthood wasn’t even a factor in these challenges, making the similarities all the more striking:
- **The “Visual Reminders” System:** My friend confessed about the constant piles of “stuff” scattered around her home, a visual reminder system vital for her to avoid forgetting crucial tasks or items. She explained, “If it’s not in plain sight, it simply ceases to exist in my mind.” A jolt of recognition ran through me – this was exactly how I operated! My own surfaces were often cluttered with ‘visual reminders,’ which to an outsider might look like disorganization, but for me, it was a desperate, if sometimes messy, coping mechanism to keep things from falling through the cracks.
- **The Case of the Disappearing Items:** We both shared a common frustration: constantly misplacing items we used every day, leading to the necessity of having multiples of everything “just in case.” I’ve always been affectionately (or perhaps exasperatedly) known as “Spacey Sarah” and can’t count the myriad times I’ve frantically searched for my keys or phone. My struggles with organization have even led me to abandon carrying a traditional wallet altogether.
- **Hyperfocus and Inattentiveness:** She described being so deeply engrossed in a task that she wouldn’t even register someone speaking right next to her. Similarly, I often found myself completely forgetting conversations I’d had just minutes or hours prior. My recall during arguments, in particular, is notoriously poor, often leaving me vulnerable to feeling gaslit about things I genuinely couldn’t remember saying. This particular vulnerability had, unfortunately, been weaponized in some past relationships, highlighting a perplexing catch-22 of hyper-focus paired with profound inattentiveness.
- **Time Blindness:** Another shared trait was the inability to accurately estimate the time required for tasks. This manifests either as chronic lateness, where I consistently underestimate the duration of an activity, or as an intense, almost obsessive anxiety about being late due to my historical track record of poor time management.
- **Disrupted Sleep Patterns:** We discussed deeply ingrained, extremely delayed sleep patterns that seem impossible to align with conventional waking hours. I’ve been a night owl my entire life, even since childhood. This intrinsic rhythm made entering the traditional workforce incredibly difficult, but my success in creating the blog became my saving grace, allowing me the flexibility to get sufficient sleep. However, this crucial coping mechanism was lost with Ellis’s arrival, as he frequently wakes precisely when I finally drift into deep sleep.
The more we talked, the clearer my own situation became. My friend then revealed her own ADHD diagnosis, a path she admitted was not easy – the irony of procrastinating a doctor’s appointment about procrastination was not lost on her! Yet, with treatment, she had begun to experience significant improvements. Her story sent me spiraling into an intense research phase, a familiar pattern whenever I hyper-focus. I delved into online quizzes, medical articles, and first-hand accounts, meticulously sifting through well-researched information, widespread misinformation, and my own inherent biases.
Growing up, my understanding of ADHD was limited to the stereotypical image of “hyperactive” boys who couldn’t sit still in a classroom. I didn’t relate to that image; my restlessness was more internal, often manifesting as anxiety. Academically, I excelled – deadlines, as I discovered, were my secret weapon, making me a champion of 2 AM paper-writing sessions! Consequently, the thought that ADHD could apply to me never crossed my mind. However, as I immersed myself in more research, I began to understand the diverse ways ADHD symptoms can present, often looking vastly different from one individual to another. Suddenly, many of my inexplicable habits – even those related to sleep and nutrition – began to make profound sense. I realized I didn’t need to check every single box to warrant a doctor’s attention. I also learned that for many parents, especially women, having children can serve as a critical tipping point, making it impossible to continue managing unaddressed ADHD symptoms. While I had managed to make my unique system work for a long time, entering the demanding new phase of motherhood created an unsustainable cycle that was relentlessly wearing me down, both mentally and physically.
Seeking Help: My Journey Towards Clarity and Management
The journey from my “lightbulb moment” to receiving actual help wasn’t immediate. It involved a few more months of understandable procrastination, navigating doctor referrals, and finally, beginning medication. This treatment is still relatively new for me, so the ultimate effectiveness and whether I’ll need to explore other options remains to be seen. However, even in these early stages, I am beginning to experience a profound shift – I feel better than I have in many, many months. A new sense of clarity has emerged, accompanied by a renewed ability to focus. The more I learn about ADHD and its manifestations, the better I feel about my own experiences. It’s not about finding a magic “fix” in the capital-F sense, but rather gaining a deeper understanding of *where* to seek answers and how to better manage my brain. This realization alone has brought an immense sense of relief and hope for the year ahead.
(Of course, it’s crucial to state that this is merely a retelling of my personal journey and should not be construed as medical advice. If any part of my story resonates with your own experiences, I strongly encourage you to consult with a qualified medical professional for personalized guidance.)
A Look Ahead at 2023 Projects: Embracing Renewed Energy for DIY and Beyond
As for 2023, my hopes are incredibly high for what lies ahead. Our old house, which served as the primary canvas for so many of my DIY endeavors (and in case you missed the news, we sold it last fall! And yes, we’re moving north and closer to the coast!), was once the wellspring of countless projects. Yet, despite the sale and impending move, I still find myself with an incredibly long to-do list – it’s funny how that always seems to happen, isn’t it? I’ve outlined all of our aspirations and plans in a comprehensive post detailing our 2023 goals. Next on the agenda, I’m thrilled to share our exciting plans for a basement apartment makeover, a project that embodies the renewed energy and focus I’m bringing into this new chapter of my life. This journey of self-discovery has not only brought clarity to my personal life but also invigorated my creative spirit, promising an exciting year of DIY and sharing ahead.